300+ Top Best Funny Quotes and Status

Hy Friends If you are searching for Best Funny Quotes then you are in the right place because in this article you will find all types of Best Funny Quotes and Status in English. Love is the most adorable and fantastic feeling in the world. No one can explain the feelings when he/ she in love. Here you will find Funny Quotes and Status which you can use for Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp and others like Stories, Caption.

Funny Quotes and Status

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Best Funny Quotes

1. Just saw the smartest person when I was in front of the mirror 😉

2. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

3. I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!

4. I wish I could mute people in real life.

5. I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.

6. Dear problems… Please give me a discount… I am a regular customer.

7. Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

8. Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.

9. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

10. You can never buy love, but still you have to pay for it.

11. I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention!

12. I’m too lazy to stop being lazy.

13. I really want to work so hard. But being lazy is so much fun.

14. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

15. I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

16. I’m not lazy, I prefer the term “selective participation”.

17. I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.

18. I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.

19. Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her!

20. Never give up on your dreams keep sleeping.

21. Shopping is an art. I am an artist. Respect Please.

22. I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

23. I love my job only when I’m on vacation.

24. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

25. “3 words more beautiful for a married woman than I LOVE YOU: No Cooking Today”

26. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

27. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

28. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.

29. You can either be right, or you can be the husband.

30. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.

Funny Whatsapp Status

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Funny Whatsapp Status

31. Women’s apology: I’m sorry, but it was your fault.

32. Yes, of course, I am athletic… I surf the Internet every day.

33. Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up 🙂

34. I want someone to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone.

35. The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes.

36. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle! He’s dreaming too.

37. Talking to myself because I am my own consultant.

38. Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

39. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

40. I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

41. I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist. I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.

42. I’m not crazy I prefer the term mentally hilarious.

43. The hardest thing I ever tried was being normal.

44. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

45. Hey there! Whatsapp is using me.

46. Hey, you are reading my status again?

47. Life is too short. Don’t waste it reading my Whatsapp status.

48. Hey you, yeah I’m talking to you, why the hell are you reading my status?

49. Hey you, yeah you. The one reading this. Wanna know a secret? You’re beautiful. Don’t ever give up.

50. If you are reading this then I’m sure you have nothing to do in your life.

51. So you’re checking my status 🙂

52. My “last seen at” was just to check your “last seen at”.

53. Say it to my face, not through your status.

54. Stop checking my status better you have your own.

55. WAIT! Do you have an appointment to see my status?

56. Not always Available… Try your luck.

57. Happiness is when “last seen at” changes to “online” and then to “typing”

58. Battery low, please disturb later.

59. It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy.

60. Don’t play stupid with me, I’m better at it!

Read More: 700+ True Love Status | Romantic Love Status | Whatsapp Status Love

Funny Quotes About Life

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Funny Quotes About Life

61. Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.

62. Life gives hurdles, but I am an athlete. So it’s fun.

63. Life taught me a lot of lessons, but I bunked those classes too 😛

64. I really should do something with my life… maybe tomorrow.

65. I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

66. When a door closes, another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window.

67. If Plan A fails, remember that you have 25 letters left.

68. Sometimes, life gives you a second chance because just maybe the first time you weren’t ready.

69. Always Give 100%, Unless You’re Donating Blood.

70. I Was reminded that my blood type is BE POSITIVE!

71. I am blood type O-positive, which I remember by staying ‘optimistic positive.’

72. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

73. It’s not the fault of the mirror if you don’t like your reflection.

74. I’m just a mirror for you, You are good, I’m best, You are bad, I’m worst.

75. I don’t have time to hate the people who hate me because I’m busy loving the people who love me.

76. Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

77. Dear stress, let’s break up.

78. I wish I had a delete button in my life. To delete some people, some memories, and some feelings.

79. I would like to apologize to anyone I have NOT offended. Please be a patient I will get to you shortly. Lol 🙂

80. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

81. Did anyone ever notice that “STUDYING” is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?

82. I’m physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

83. Physically Mentally Emotionally TIRED.

84. Life: Besides gravity, nothing keeps me down.

85. When You’re Downie Eat A Brownie!

86. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, the hardest thing in the world.

87. Every time I have my picture taken I get hungry because I hear ‘cheese’ so I start to think of a nice cheese sandwich.

88. My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

89. A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.

90. Never judge the book by its movie.

Funny Friendship Quotes

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Funny Friendship Quotes

91. It’s always the wrong person who teaches you the right things in life.

92. I know who I am, you have no need to explain.

93. I’m a sweet Lil girl, but if you make me mad, remember I always have a pocketful of crazy waiting to come out!!

94. Relax, it’s the weekend, just don’t blink or it will be all over.

95. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing!

96. I love sleeping but I never want to go to sleep early.

97. At night, I can’t sleep. In the morning, I can’t wake up.

98. I am not single, I’m just Romantically Challenged.

99. Friends are forever until they get into a relationship. :p

100. We live in an era of smartphones and stupid people.

101. When I die, I want my grave to offer free WiFi so people will visit more often.

102. I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me from me.

103. If life is not smiling at you, give it a good tickling.

104. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

105. Smiles are contagious… Be a carrier!

106. Happiness does not have a price tag so smile.

107. Don’t worry about what to wear today, your smile goes with any clothes.

108. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

109. Brain: Be patient. Heart: Until when?

110. My road to success is always under construction.

111. May my haters live long to see my success.

112. Society is fun. They ask you to be yourself and yet they judge you.

113. It’s funny how when I’m loud, people tell me to be quiet. But when I’m quiet, people ask me what’s wrong with me.

114. I Smile Because I have No Idea What’s Going On!

115. I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

116. I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

117. Whenever I have a problem, I just sing. Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.

118. Exercise? I Thought You Said Extra Fries!

119. Please God if you can’t make me slim make my friends FAT!!!

120. The only thing I gained so far in this year is weight 🙂

Read More: Love Status – Top Best Love Status and Quotes

Funny Love Quotes

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Funny Love Quotes

121. My six-pack is protected by a layer of fat.

122. I didn’t lose my mind… I just sold it online!

123. Minds are like parachutes – they only function when open.

124. For Sale: BRAIN. Used less, Perfect working condition 😉

125. Sorry, I can’t go to work tomorrow, I fractured my motivation.

126. My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.

127. SALARY – Something which comes at 2G speed and goes away at 4G speed 😉

128. The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is “Salary is Credited”

129. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

130. I can’t believe I work this hard to be this poor.

131. I wish my wallet came with free refills.

132. Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

133. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

134. Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90-year-old, the body of a 20-year-old, and the energy of a 3-year-old.

135. I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself.

136. I don’t follow others, I only follow my orders because I am my own boss.

137. If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.

138. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!

139. Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

140. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

141. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me… I can’t force you to be right.

142. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front.

143. I’m born to express, not to impress.

144. Don’t follow me because I don’t even know where I’m going.

145. I don’t need the Prince Charming to have my own happy ending.

146. My prince is not coming on a white horse… He’s obviously riding a turtle and definitely lost.

147. My Prince Charming is not coming on a white horse… He’s obviously riding on a turtle somewhere really confused..

148. I’m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

149. I never insult people I only tell them what they are.

150. If someone hates you for no reason give them a reason.

Comedy Status

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Comedy Status

151. A man is not rewarded for having a brain but for using it well.

152. I am not changed it’s just I grew up and you should try too.

153. I know I am awesome, so I don’t care about your opinion.

154. I was born intelligent, but education ruined me.

155. Choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.

156. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.

157. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.

158. The most common cause of stress nowadays is dealing with idiots.

159. A wise man can always be found alone. A weak man can always be found in a crowd.

160. Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

161. Don’t try to fix me I’m not broken.

162. When nothing goes right, go left.

163. If you can’t convince them to confuse them.

164. I let my haters be my motivators.

165. I love rumors. I always find out amazing things about myself that I never knew about.

166. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.

167. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

168. Don’t trust everything you see. Even salt looks like sugar!!

169. Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.

170. It’s funny how people say they miss you but don’t even make an effort to see you or speak to you.

171. I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them.

172. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10000 ways that won’t work.

173. Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

174. If nobody hates you, then you are doing something boring.

175. One mistake and everyone judges you.

176. “People always say that nothing is impossible. That’s not true. I do nothing every single day.”

177. “Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.”

178. “Sometimes people deserve a high five on the face with a CHAIR.”

179. “The longer the title the less important the job.”

180. “Taking revenge is wrong.. very very wrong.. But very very fun.”

Read More: 1000+ Top Best Whatsapp Status and Quotes

Funny DP

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Funny DP

181. “Whenever I think of quitting smoking, I need a cigarette to think.”

182. “Eat right, exercise, die anyway.”

183. “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

184. “Dear Teacher, I talk to everyone, so moving my seat won’t help. Sincerely, Student.”

185. “Both wife and insult are somewhat similar. They always look good, if it is not yours!”

186. “We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.”

187. “What people say to your face is not a problem. The problem is what they say behind your back.”

188. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

189. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

190. “Silence is the best answer to a FOOL.”

191. “An apple a day will keep just about anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”

192. “When I was born, I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”

193. “My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my BED.”

194. “Why is ‘Monday’ so far from ‘Friday’ and ‘Friday’ so near to ‘Monday’???”

195. “Galileo – Great mind! Einstein – Genius mind! Newton – Extraordinary mind! Bill Gates – Brilliant mind… ME – Never Mind!”

196. “Some people are just so FAKE that if you look properly at the back of their neck, you’ll find a tag saying “MADE IN CHINA” :D”

197. “I always arrive late at the office but I make it by leaving early.”

198. “Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker.”

199. “I’m pretty sure the whole ladies’ first thing was created by a guy just to check out @ss.”

200. “I’m that ugly I asked myself out and I said no.”

201. “They say don’t drink and drive. Well… Yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. Yeah. I’m a [email protected]

202. “Patience is not a virtue. It’s just a waste of Time! :P”

203. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito.”

204. “I hate when I’m about to HUG someone really s3xy and my face hits the mirror. :p”

205. “People say I have a dirty mind, But I say it’s just creative!”

206. “I’m not lazy, I’m a master of energy conservation.”

207. “I know the voices in my head aren’t real but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!”

208. “When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing Angry Birds with you?”

209. “My Girlfriend says I need to be more affectionate… Now I have 2 Girlfriends!”

210. “I and my wife live happily for 25 years and then we met…”

Crazy Friends Quotes

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Crazy Friends Quotes

211. “Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.”

212. “A good friend would bail you out of jail but your best friend would be the one sitting next to you saying, damn that was cool.”

213. “Good friends will share the umbrella. Best friends will steal it and yell: It’s awesome, now run!”

214. “Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.”

215. “Warning!!! I know KARATE and few other oriental words.”

216. “When I drink alcohol… Everyone says I’m an alcoholic. But… When I drink Fanta… No one says I’m fantastic.”

217. “Virginity is not dignity, It is just a lack of opportunity.”

218. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.”

219. “I love my job only when I’m on vacation.”

220. “My mother always told me: If you do not have anything nice to say, then you better say it sarcastically.”

221. “I love everyone! There are some people I love to be around, and some people I love to avoid. And then there are others I do love to just punch in the face.”

222. “They say we learn from our mistakes. So I’m making as many as possible! Soon I will be a genius.”

223. “Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up.”

224. “Tom N Jerry taught me that life is boring without ENEMIES.”

225. “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it :)”

226. “I’m poor. I can’t pay attention in the classroom.”

227. “Life is short. SMILE while you still have TEETH.”

228. “I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle… He’s dreaming too.”

229. “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”

230. “When everything comes your way… Then you are on the wrong part of the highway.”

231. “I don’t always lose my phone but when I do it always on silent.”

232. “Tried to lose weight… But it keeps finding me.”

233. “ETC – End of Thinking Capacity…”

234. “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”

235. “Marriage is a “workshop”, Where husband ‘works’ and wife ‘shops’.”

236. “When nothing seems right then go left…”

237. “Scratch here ###::::## to reveal this status…”

238. “High power comes with high electricity bill!”

239. “Try to say the letter M without your lips touching…!!!”

240. “All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.”

Read More: 1000+ Top Best Attitude Status and Quotes

Sarcastic Quotes

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Sarcastic Quotes

241. “If the school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking 🙂”

242. “I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them 🙂”

243. “Mosquitoes are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.”

244. “When I actually die some people are going to get really haunted.”

245. “A fine is a tax for doing wrong & a tax is a fine for doing well…!”

246. “Man asks a trainer in the gym: I want to impress that girl…, which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM!”

247. “Save Water, Drink Wine!!”

248. “The main cause of divorce is marriage!”

249. “Life is too short, so smile while you still have teeth.”

250. “I may be fat, but you are ugly. The truth is I still can lose that fat.”

251. “If money grew on trees, then girls would be dating monkeys…!”

252. “Totally available!!! Please disturb me!!!”

253. “Hey there, WhatsApp is using me.”

254. “My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours.”

255. “Marriage means silent suicide.”

256. “People said to follow your dreams so I went back to BED.”

257. “Save Water, Drink Beer!”

258. “People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason. 😉”

259. “Fun fact: Phone on silent mode – 10 Missed call… Turns volume to loud – Nobody calls all day!!”

260. “When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to me: I left one million dollars in the…”

261. “C.L.A.S.S- come late and start sleeping 🙂”

262. “Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.”

263. “I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice 🙂”

264. “Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.”

265. “Cell phones these days keep getting thinner & smarter… People the opposite.”

266 Life Is Full Of Questions. Idiots Are Full Of Answers.

267. My Boss Told Me To Have A Good Day….So I Went Home.

268. When Life Gives You Lemons, Squirt Someone In The Eye.

269. Kiss Me If I’m Wrong But Dinosaurs Still Exist Right?

270. I’ Not Hungry. But I Am Bored. Therefore, I Shall Eat.

Funny Birthday Wishes

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Funny Birthday Wishes

270. “Hey – don’t stress about getting older. You’re still young enough to be a professional curler, and that’s saying something. Happy birthday!”

271. “Happy birthday! I would have bought you a present, but I didn’t think you wanted me to take money out of the alcohol budget.”

272. “Sending birthday wishes to someone who can still pass for a non-embarrassing age.”

273. “May you live long enough to be the direct cause of a Silver Alert. Happy birthday!”

274. “Happy birthday to someone I truly hope is not having a mid-life crisis.”

275. “Happy birthday to someone I hope realizes is way too old to go snowboarding or surfing.”

276. “Congratulations! You’re now so old, you’ll need performance-enhancing drugs just to ride a stationary bike. Happy birthday!”

277. “Wishing a happy birthday to someone who is old enough to have sent out birthday wishes on MySpace.”

278. “Happy birthday to someone who is almost old enough to die from the flu.”

279. “Happy birthday to a person so old, they use their smartphone to make an actual phone call.”

280. “Here’s to a special birthday! May you get so intoxicated, you forget how old you’re getting.”

281. “I hope your birthday is at least half as exciting as you portray it on Facebook and Instagram. Happy birthday!”

282. “Happy birthday! You’ve now reached an age where it’s no longer appropriate to claim you’re 29.”

283. “Happy birthday to the one person whose agelessness is incredibly irritating.”

284. “Happy birthday and congratulations on becoming that “old, weird” person at summer music festivals.”

285. “It’s your birthday – let’s over-celebrate!”

286. “Happy birthday, girl. I remember a time when you weren’t so disturbingly old.”

287. “Happy birthday to you – and your newest chin.”

288. “Happy birthday! I’m just here for some cake.”

289. “Hey there! Happy birthday! I was going to bake you a delicious rum cake, but I decided to go with a regular cake. Also, I’m really drunk.”

290. “Birthdays are nothing more than nature’s way of telling us to sit down and eat more cake! I’m so glad that today is your birthday, and I can eat – I mean, share – your cake.”

291. “Happy birthday, old man! You know, when I turned two, I panicked because in one year, I doubled my age. I thought, if I keep going this way, I’ll be 64 by the time I turn 5. Thank goodness things don’t work this way.”

292. “Happy birthday to someone who thought they would have it all together by the time they reached this age.”

293. “You look, great birthday girl – considering your age. Happy birthday!”

294. “Happy birthday! Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. I won’t tell anyone how old you really are.”

295. “They say that wisdom comes with age. That’s why you’re the wisest person I know. Happy birthday!”

296. “You know you’ve reached the old age when you back your car into the neighbor’s swimming pool from across the street and still believe that it was the car’s fault. You’re not quite there yet, but you’re close. Happy birthday!”

297. “As people get older, they gain the respect of the people around them. I just wanted to let you know that today, on your birthday, I have all the respect in the world for you.”

298. “On your birthday, we ask that you kindly act your age – not your shoe size. Thanks!”

299. “Happy birthday! This is the oldest I’ve ever seen you. Just wait until next year.”

300. “Happy belated birthday! I didn’t forget your birthday – I just forgot yesterday’s date!”

Read More: 250+ Top Best Very Sad Status and Quotes

Funny Happy Birthday Wishes

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Funny Happy Birthday Wishes

301. “Happy birthday! Want to feel young and thin again? Let’s go hang out with a bunch of old and fat people.”

302. “Happy birthday! You know you’re getting old when you never walk past a bathroom without saying “well, I’m here already – I may as well pee.”

303. “You know what they say: it’s better to be over the hill than buried 6 feet underneath it. Happy birthday!”

304. “On your birthday I’m going to share the secret to staying young: lying about your age.”

305. “Smile – today is your birthday. Be happy and remember that things could be worse. Just think about what you’ll be like in ten years – yikes!”

306. “Happy birthday! Congrats on joining the 28-years-old-forever club. We have millions of members all over the world.”

307. “Congratulations on finally reaching the snapdragon phase of your life: one part of you has snapped, and the other part of you is dragging. Happy birthday!”

308. “Happy birthday! They say that age is just a number. Yea right – and jail is just a room!”

309. “Don’t be bummed about your birthday! You know what they say: it’s better to be a year older than to be one month late. Happy birthday!”

310. “Happy birthday! Today, I would advise you to be nice to your kids. Remember, the older you get, the closer you get to having them choose a nursing home.”

311. “Wait – you’re how old today? You’re so lucky you’re not a dog. They would have put you down by now. Oh, well! Happy birthday!”

312. “Congratulations! You only look one year older than you did on your last birthday.”

313. “Happy birthday! May you live to be so old, people start wondering if you’re the walking dead.”

314. “Here’s to you on your birthday! May you live to be so old, you sincerely wish you were dead.”

315. “Happy birthday! Don’t let a 27-year old Olympic gold medal winner make you feel like a failure on your birthday.”

316. “Happy birthday. I’m so sorry you’ve reached an age where pop culture marketers are no longer targeting you.”

317. “It’s a special day – your birthday! Let’s go out and celebrate you being one year closer to removing your age from your Facebook profile.”

318. “Happy birthday! Congrats on reaching an age that makes your receding hairline seem appropriate.”

319. “Forgetting your birthday was merely an April Fool’s Joke. Unless, of course, I did remember it, in which case – please disregard this message. Happy birthday!”

320. “I wish you a very happy birthday! Just please remember to tell me how old you’re pretending to be, so we can keep up the charade.”

321. “Happy birthday to a person whose age now makes them cry even more than the day they came into this world.”

322. “Happy birthday to someone who is now taking drugs on their birthday for serious medical reasons.”

323. “I’m so sorry for sending you belated birthday wishes. Honestly, I didn’t think you would live this long. Happy birthday!”

324. “Happy birthday! I sincerely hope that you don’t take this early birthday message as a sign that you might not make it.”

325. “On your birthday, remember this: age is only a number that represents how attractive, happy and able-bodied you are. Really, it’s nothing to get worked up over. Happy birthday!”

326. “Wishes may come and go, but age always sticks with you. Happy birthday!”

327. “I believe you forgot about my birthday present last year. I’m returning the favor this year. I’m afraid a Happy Birthday is all you’re going to get.”

328. “Happy summer birthday! Get out and enjoy it while you’re still young enough to not fall into the “high risk” category for heatstroke death.”

329. “Happy birthday! You’re how old? Oh man – that’s like, dead in dog years.”

330. “I would be so much more into your birthday if it were my birthday.”

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